I’ve mentioned briefly that in the past I struggled with an Eating Disorder. And then for a long time I considered myself recovered, but sort of like an addict, I am really always still in recovery.
And so I still struggle. I still struggle with learning how to eat in a way that isn’t dieting, restricted or extreme and yet also isn’t bingeing or going off the rails. I struggle with figuring out balance and moderation and TRUE HEALTH.
Lately I’ve been feeling a really strong desire to let this all go, to really devote my energy into learning to eat intuitively and move intuitively and accept my body at whatever size it ends up. But my mind is a tricky place, suddenly a thought pops up, “But the wedding in Cabo is in a few weeks, so this isn’t a good time to do that”. And off I go on my very well practiced neural pathways of crash dieting and overexercising so I can carve my body into something social media would find acceptable in a bikini.
The thing is, I know this doesn’t work for me. I KNOW BETTER!! But I don’t do better. I eat too little and exercise too much and end up bingeing and hating myself after. All because this isn’t the right time.
This isn’t a good time to let my body be whatever size it wants to be. This isn’t a good time to accept myself. This isn’t a good time to learn to eat intuitively. This isn’t a good time to be truly healthy.
Do you hear how absolutely ridiculous that is? I do.
And then I convince myself, ok…so I can buy some one pieces and I can cook some healthy meals and I can try to listen to my body. I can do this. I want to do this. And then a sweet, totally human, friend of mine starts in on how fat she feels or bloated, or how she needs to workout everyday until that same wedding in Cabo….and I know better, but I don’t do better and I chime in with a resounding ME TOO.
And off I go again in the spiral of this isn’t a good time, I can’t be the only one who doesn’t diet for Cabo. Just like that I’m pushed back into the social norms and societal pressures of diet mentality. But I’m not a “normal” person going on a diet, I’m a person with a long and twisted eating disorder history, and so I can’t diet in the same ways other people do and my diets always delve into disordered eating habits.
And I’m aware of it and not proud of any of it. I hate this. I hate feeling like this, and doing this and partaking in this.
But let me be super honest here, I am afraid to really stop. I am afraid of where my body will land if I eat and move intuitively. I am afraid of not being able to accept myself, I am afraid of not being loved. I am afraid men won’t find me attractive. I am afraid of losing things I don’t really even have as i am right now, but that I’ve been conditioned to believe will come when I am a smaller size, when I feel more in control of my life and my body. But I know this is absolute BULLSHIT.
And So here I am again, 3 days out from that wedding in Cabo. Telling you this story in real time. I don’t have any of the answers. But maybe I am getting fed up enough to finally change despite all of my fears. Time will tell, but I hope that change comes, even if it’s slowly.