Twenty-Seven

Last week I turned 27.

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This year went by fast; I remember turning 26 as if it was a month ago.

I can remember the exact feeling of turning 26, I remember the hopes I had for the year and the space I was in mentally. I felt better than I thought I would. I felt like I was in control. Like I had gotten to this place with myself and my life where I could maintain a higher level of gratitude, self-compassion, willpower and joy than I had previously. I felt like I knew myself better than I had before, like it would take more to knock me off balance. I felt GOOD.

But the universe or god or a higher power had other plans for me.

Twenty-six was a doozy. Do people even still say that word? Anyways, it was a doozy of a year. It knocked me on my ass and it felt like I spent the majority of the year pulling myself off the ground, standing back up and brushing myself off just to be knocked down again. It was a tough one guys, truly.

I found my freshly healed broken heart being ripped back open and this time it didn’t heal so quickly or neatly. My job situation was complicated and inconsistent and I struggled more financially than I ever have in my adult life. A million small and big things went wrong.

I could write a list of things that did not go right, by my definition of it, but what’s the point of focusing on the negative now? The gist of it is that 26 was a year that made me feel powerless, no matter how hard I tried, I felt really unable to make anything happen. I felt completely defeated.

It took me nearly the whole damn year to accept the powerlessness. I wrestled with myself, with my beliefs, with depression, with my eating disorder and with my heart. I struggled and resisted. I caused myself so much suffering.And then finally I started to see I was learning and growing. That maybe there was something valuable in all that suffering.

And now here I am at 27.

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I didn’t usher in this birthday with quite the same hope, positivity and confidence as I did for 26. I’m still struggling with some of the debris left behind by the storm that was this past year. Things aren’t as easy right now as I’d hoped they’d be. But I do feel hopeful, this time the hope is more modest thats all. I think 26 is still too fresh for me to accurately grasp how much it’s helped me to learn and grow yet. But there are already so many lessons from last year that I hope to share here.

Here’s to 27, my golden birthday, may it be a year filled with acceptance instead of resistance!

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